Naptime Blog

I conduct online and telephone counseling sessions to help people in their everyday lives. Sometimes I refer them to in-person one-on-one or family therapy, and other times I play the role as that unbiased random ear that will listen to what’s bugging someone while still being able to remain “unknown” to the outside world. As a Marriage and Family Counselor, I was at first surprised to get so many calls from married men. After a little while, I could pretty much guess as soon as I would hear that male voice on the other end of the line what we would be discussing. When the person who is listening to you on the other end of the line is a professional, anonymous human being who you will unlikely ever run into at the grocery store, it is amazing how much you will share with that person.

“My wife and I don’t have sex anymore.” That is usually the topic that comes up with married men in phone counseling sessions. Most men do not come straight out with that statement right away, some beat around the bush for a while, but in the end the discussion always turns to romance after kids.

Hmmm…. now is that a bit of an exaggeration? In 99% of the conversations, it is. What they really mean in most instances is “Our sex life is not as it used to be. Could there be a problem in our marriage?”

Of course there is no way to tell if there is truly a problem in the marriage without further probing and discussion, and of course it would also be helpful to speak with both spouses before answering that question. But for most of the men who call me to chat, the only problem is that for many couples, kids, chores, careers, and just life in general get in the way of that ravenous sex life that was once more active in the relationship.

As I was preparing for this article, I was sitting by the pool watching my husband swim with my kids on a weekend family getaway (which replaced many of our romantic getaways from years ago), and the old “Pina Colada Song” was being played by the disc jockey. I had to chuckle, because it was so appropriate to many of the men who I counsel… A married man is looking through the paper and comes across a personal ad asking for someone who likes “pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain”; a smart man who isn’t into yoga and health foods, but would rather drink champagne and make love at midnight in the dunes on the cape.

So the husband replies to the ad stating he wants the same things and asks to meet the woman at a bar so the two could run away together. The kicker is that the woman who shows up is actually his wife. Neither of them knew how the other was feeling. It’s almost like they lost touch with each other due to the hustle and bustle of life and forgot to ask the other how he or she felt along the way.

Through my counseling sessions with my married men clients, I always make sure to ask them if they have shared how they feel about the change in their sex life with their partners, and I request that they ask their partners how they feel about the changes as well.

The other thing I find ironic in the song is that the man thinks he is alone in feeling as if their relationship was dragging like “a worn out recording of a favorite song”. But the wife was the first one to take out the ad, so she knew it also! This is another reason why I always tell my clients to verbalize how they feel with their partners, because they may not be alone in their thinking.

Although I always liked the song, I did think it was horrible that the couple were looking else ware in their marriage for some spice. But the longer I am married and the more children we have, although I wouldn’t take the lyrics literally, the message is the same message I give to all my clients and how my husband and I try to keep our relationship: we always verbalize our feelings and be sure to take some time out regularly to take care of each other. Whether we go out to dinner alone, get a night to each other (we are lucky to have both sets of parents who are willing to take the kids overnight on occasion), or even if we just get to go grocery shopping just the two of us, that “couple time” means the world to us. It is also amazing how a small gesture or change of scenery such as an overnight in a hotel without the kids can renew the spice and remind both of the partners what drew them to each other in the first place.

I have recently been interviewing some moms/wives on the subject and many of the thoughts are the same. For many, it isn’t that they have fallen out of love or no longer want to be intimate, but at the end of the day, there is just so much going on that life gets in the way.

I have gotten other good suggestions to help spice things up, regardless of your budget. Taking a nice walk together without the kids is a good one. Rose petals and candles create a different ambiance. Many husbands also complain that their wives never initiate intimacy. Well it doesn’t always have to be this way. It’s nice to feel wanted and it doesn’t hurt to put the moves on your man every once in a while!

I cannot stress enough how important good communication is within a relationship. You never know, you might learn that you aren’t the only one who likes Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain… Your spouse might, too!

I originally wrote this for Naptime Blog in 2009. I had so much fun with it and think we need a constant reminder of this, so I decided to share again!

Jennifer Nevadomski, M.S.
Wife and Mom of FOUR!
www.mommyslinks.com

Hello. I’m Paul’s wife. I’m Juliana, Louis, Anthony and Joseph’s mother. I’m Viv and Lou’s daughter. I’m Louis and Patti’s sister. I’m Patsy’s granddaughter.

Hello. I’m their niece, their cousin, their daughter-in-law, their friend.

Hello. I’m her partner, their supervisor, their blogger, its Community Correspondent, its social media representative, her counselor. Nice to meet you.

I find myself always introducing myself as someone else’s something. Some days, I don’t even know who I am and who I am representing. Don’t get me wrong, being his wife, their mother and all the other roles I have makes up the existence of my being. I am who I am because of the relationships in my life. I know that I would not WANT to be anything BUT his wife, their mother, their daughter and so on. My chaotic life is my own and I thank God every day that He has given me these people. I am incredibly blessed to have my family and my friends. I am lucky to have my education and experience to become the entrepreneurial mom that I am. But just for once, I would like to be me. Maybe just for five minutes every day, I need to be just myself. Five minutes is not a lot, but I think it would make a difference.

So here is my five minutes for today. Hello. My name is Jen. Nice to meet you. Who are you?

My husband and I often joke that we could have never dated when we were younger.  Paul is six years older than I am.  So had I dated him when we were fifteen and twenty-one, this would have ruffled quite a few feathers, and of course ethical and legal questions would have come up.  We met when I was 30 and he was 36, and just about the only difference we notice is our taste in music.  Luckily, we both enjoy all types of music today, so this is never an issue, but I would have never been into Zeppelin in 1980, and he would have never been into Madonna in 1986!

I have friends of all ages.  One of my best friends is in her late forties, and another is in her mid twenties.  I still have a lot of my friends from childhood, and they are all close to my age.  As we are all adults, either with families, careers, or both, and we have plenty of common denominators in our lives. What about children and teens?  Does it seem as appropriate?  Is it okay for a 15 year old boy to hang out with a bunch of 19 year olds?  How about a 14 year old girl playing with all ten year olds?  What about a 7 or 8 year old boy playing only with 3 and 4 year olds?  Where do we draw the line?  And what does it say about the developmental age of these children?

My daughter is 6 years older than my twin boys and 7 years older than my youngest child.  Often, we find ourselves at a party for one of the twins’ friends, and my daughter is out of place.  Yes, she is extremely helpful with chasing after them and keeping them occupied, but then she gets bored, even upset that she doesn’t want to play with the “babies”.  Fortunately, many times we are with another family who also has an older daughter, and the two girls can drift away from the little guys and do more age appropriate activities.  Otherwise, my daughter would rather sit with the adults than the little kids.  I can’t say that I blame her!

Older children often see toddlers and preschoolers as a novelty, and I often see a nine or ten year old wanting to keep them occupied and make them laugh.  After a while, the older child goes along to play with his peers.  He or she may come back again to play with the boys now and then, but for the most part, it is because they are amusing and fun.  A ‘tween’ that speaks to and entertains a baby or toddler like an adult might show maturity.  As a mom of toddlers, I am leery of the older child who consistently wants to sit and play with toddlers and preschoolers as peers.  There is something to be said on both levels:  an older child is obviously bigger and stronger than a three or four year old.  Children jump and play and even wrestle and roll.  A seven year old boy wrestling with a four year old boy is completely inappropriate.  An eight year old girl consistently playing with four year old girls is just as inappropriate.  The eight year old is at a different stage than the preschooler.  On the other hand, if my eight year old was always running to play with the preschool group of children over children her age, I would be very worried about her developmental age.  And if the children her age did not want to play with her, I would be concerned.

As a parent, it is my responsibility to be aware of the red flags.  I should also be mindful of my children’s peers.  If I consistently take my older daughter to places with only younger children, I am at fault.  And if my younger children are consistently being joined by an older child, I need to be aware of and monitor the interaction between the children.  After all, how often do we read about an older child harming a younger child right under their parents’ noses?

Jennifer Nevadomski
Paul’s Wife
Mom to: Juliana, 8 – Louis and Anthony, 24 months – Joseph, 10 months
www.nevaland.com

The Unavailable FATHER:  Seven Ways Women Can Understand, Heal and Cope with a Broken Father-Daughter Relationship is written by Sarah Simms Rosenthal, PhD.  The relationship between a father and his young daughter sets the stage for many different aspects of the daughter’s adult life.  Little girls are affected on so many levels from the bond (or lack thereof) and quality of the bond, such as the relationships she gets involved with, her own self-esteem, her own self-worth, her identity and much more.

I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Rosenthal by telephone recently.  When I first learned about her book and her work, I was immediately intrigued on a personal as well as professional level.  While my relationship with my father was always and still is a very healthy and positive one, my eight-year-old daughter is dealing with her own father’s unavailability, and this affects her and I greatly.  I am extremely interested in how I can help this relationship, and more importantly, should I be unable to help the relationship, how can I help my child so that she can cope and grown into a mentally healthy woman, despite this often shaky relationship.  Additionally, as a Mental Health Counselor, I have spoken with many women who have been dealing with working through the ramifications of dealing with an unavailable father, and if I can utilize the information from Dr. Rosenthal in my own clients to help others, that would be such an added bonus.

I read the book in a few short hours.  I was deeply interested in the different stories that Dr. Rosenthal shared for each of the different types of unavailable fathers that were mentioned in the book:  The Disapproving Father, The Mentally Ill Father, The Substance-Abusing Father, The Unreliable Father, and The Absent Father.  I was able to relate personally to The Unreliable Father and The Absent Father due to the relationship with my daughter and her father.  I was also able to recall many conversations and online postings I have read from other women about their own relationships with their fathers and it was quite obvious that the research and work that Dr. Rosenthal has put into “The Unavailable Father” could benefit SO MANY of us.

The biggest and most important message that I walked away with and will stress to all of my readers and friends after speaking to Dr. Rosenthal is that ALL MEN DON’T JUST DISAPPEAR, and ALL MEN ARE NOT UNAVAILABLE.  For me, this is something I value and hold to with regards to my daughter.  Although she is seeing her father let her down on so many levels, she does see that not all men are going to let her down.  When we first divorced, my daughter and I moved in with my parents, and she had my father and (even though he wasn’t living with us, he was close by) my brother.  They showed her love and taught her skills that she needed to learn from a father-figure at the three-year old age that she was.  When I got remarried to Paul a year and a half later, my daughter had and still has that healthy father-daughter type relationship that she is often lacking from her own father.  When her father calls to cancel a weekend last minute, she has Paul’s arms in addition to mine to cry in.  When she has a father-daughter event or question that might be better off answered by a man, she has Paul to turn to. 

Dr. Rosenthal reinforced my feelings when she explained how a positive and healthy relationship with another male role model to a young girl with an unavailable father makes such a difference for her adulthood.  While overcoming the negatives of any unhealthy father-daughter relationship is not easy, it is possible for a woman to grow into a healthy adult with healthy relationships.  Her book does a very good job in helping the women learn how to go about doing this.

I asked Dr. Rosenthal another question that I felt was something that might help my daughter as well as all my readers who might be dealing with an unavailable father, whether their own father or their daughter’s.  I wanted to know more about the decision to break ties with “The Unavailable Father”.  Dr. Rosenthal explained that it is important to foster a relationship with your father on your own terms.  This is not only self-empowering, it is also enabling the woman to maintain a sense of control over the relationship, empowering her to choose what she will allow or not allow to happen in the relationship.  As an adult, a woman needs to be able to cope as best as SHE can with the ramifications of the fallout or negative issues in the relationship.  For the mother of a young girl who has an unavailable father, the most important thing a mother can do is to be aware of the relationship, to be a positive force in the child’s life, and to be as consistent and reliable for the child as possible.  A mother must always remember that if the young girl is being abused or if the relationship is truly toxic for the child, that child’s safety is most important. 

Dr. Rosenthal and I discussed confronting your father (if he is still alive and around) as a grown woman to be able to possibly understand more fully why he behaved the way he did, even allowing yourself to be more easily forgiving.  She goes into detail with this in the book as one of the steps to healing.  Learning and understanding can often be quite helpful in healing.

I think I could have spoken with Dr. Rosenthal for hours, as she is professional and knowledgeable, understanding and personable, all of the qualities that I would look for in a clinician and therapist.  Sarah Simms Rosenthal has a website that you can visit at www.theunavailablefather.com and is available for both in-person therapy at her Upper East Side private practice NYC and for phone therapy.  For more information or to set up an appointment with Dr. Rosenthal, visit her website.

Jennifer Nevadomski, MS