Naptime Blog

The Unavailable FATHER:  Seven Ways Women Can Understand, Heal and Cope with a Broken Father-Daughter Relationship is written by Sarah Simms Rosenthal, PhD.  The relationship between a father and his young daughter sets the stage for many different aspects of the daughter’s adult life.  Little girls are affected on so many levels from the bond (or lack thereof) and quality of the bond, such as the relationships she gets involved with, her own self-esteem, her own self-worth, her identity and much more.

I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Rosenthal by telephone recently.  When I first learned about her book and her work, I was immediately intrigued on a personal as well as professional level.  While my relationship with my father was always and still is a very healthy and positive one, my eight-year-old daughter is dealing with her own father’s unavailability, and this affects her and I greatly.  I am extremely interested in how I can help this relationship, and more importantly, should I be unable to help the relationship, how can I help my child so that she can cope and grown into a mentally healthy woman, despite this often shaky relationship.  Additionally, as a Mental Health Counselor, I have spoken with many women who have been dealing with working through the ramifications of dealing with an unavailable father, and if I can utilize the information from Dr. Rosenthal in my own clients to help others, that would be such an added bonus.

I read the book in a few short hours.  I was deeply interested in the different stories that Dr. Rosenthal shared for each of the different types of unavailable fathers that were mentioned in the book:  The Disapproving Father, The Mentally Ill Father, The Substance-Abusing Father, The Unreliable Father, and The Absent Father.  I was able to relate personally to The Unreliable Father and The Absent Father due to the relationship with my daughter and her father.  I was also able to recall many conversations and online postings I have read from other women about their own relationships with their fathers and it was quite obvious that the research and work that Dr. Rosenthal has put into “The Unavailable Father” could benefit SO MANY of us.

The biggest and most important message that I walked away with and will stress to all of my readers and friends after speaking to Dr. Rosenthal is that ALL MEN DON’T JUST DISAPPEAR, and ALL MEN ARE NOT UNAVAILABLE.  For me, this is something I value and hold to with regards to my daughter.  Although she is seeing her father let her down on so many levels, she does see that not all men are going to let her down.  When we first divorced, my daughter and I moved in with my parents, and she had my father and (even though he wasn’t living with us, he was close by) my brother.  They showed her love and taught her skills that she needed to learn from a father-figure at the three-year old age that she was.  When I got remarried to Paul a year and a half later, my daughter had and still has that healthy father-daughter type relationship that she is often lacking from her own father.  When her father calls to cancel a weekend last minute, she has Paul’s arms in addition to mine to cry in.  When she has a father-daughter event or question that might be better off answered by a man, she has Paul to turn to. 

Dr. Rosenthal reinforced my feelings when she explained how a positive and healthy relationship with another male role model to a young girl with an unavailable father makes such a difference for her adulthood.  While overcoming the negatives of any unhealthy father-daughter relationship is not easy, it is possible for a woman to grow into a healthy adult with healthy relationships.  Her book does a very good job in helping the women learn how to go about doing this.

I asked Dr. Rosenthal another question that I felt was something that might help my daughter as well as all my readers who might be dealing with an unavailable father, whether their own father or their daughter’s.  I wanted to know more about the decision to break ties with “The Unavailable Father”.  Dr. Rosenthal explained that it is important to foster a relationship with your father on your own terms.  This is not only self-empowering, it is also enabling the woman to maintain a sense of control over the relationship, empowering her to choose what she will allow or not allow to happen in the relationship.  As an adult, a woman needs to be able to cope as best as SHE can with the ramifications of the fallout or negative issues in the relationship.  For the mother of a young girl who has an unavailable father, the most important thing a mother can do is to be aware of the relationship, to be a positive force in the child’s life, and to be as consistent and reliable for the child as possible.  A mother must always remember that if the young girl is being abused or if the relationship is truly toxic for the child, that child’s safety is most important. 

Dr. Rosenthal and I discussed confronting your father (if he is still alive and around) as a grown woman to be able to possibly understand more fully why he behaved the way he did, even allowing yourself to be more easily forgiving.  She goes into detail with this in the book as one of the steps to healing.  Learning and understanding can often be quite helpful in healing.

I think I could have spoken with Dr. Rosenthal for hours, as she is professional and knowledgeable, understanding and personable, all of the qualities that I would look for in a clinician and therapist.  Sarah Simms Rosenthal has a website that you can visit at www.theunavailablefather.com and is available for both in-person therapy at her Upper East Side private practice NYC and for phone therapy.  For more information or to set up an appointment with Dr. Rosenthal, visit her website.

Jennifer Nevadomski, MS

There are many advantages to being a parent.  We get to experience love on a different level.  We get to see stages of life from the very beginning.  We get to see our children grow and develop their own unique personalities and strengths.  We get to see life once again through their eyes, and our own senses are renewed as we experience all that life has to offer once again through our children.  There are so many advantages the list is endless.

Another advantage to being a parent may at times seem like a disadvantage.  But if we use the knowledge that we gain from what we learn as a parent and make the necessary adjustments, it can be one of the biggest advantages we can forever thank our children for giving us.  That is the ability to see ourselves and our actions the way others see us.

A few months back I wrote a blog about how, as parents, we need to maintain our cool in front of our children.  I discussed how we model behavior to our children.  But if we really sit back and take a look at our children, we often see not only little echoes, but we might even see a mirror image of ourselves.  I can see myself in all of my children and I am reminded of the adjustments I need to make in my life.

My daughter is turning eight this month.  She is a great student, even though she doesn’t like school.  She is great at sports (she inherited that from her father and my sister, NOT me) and is a healthy, well rounded child.  My sister coaches Girls Basketball in the upper grades of my daughter’s school.  After practice one day, the girls were talking to my sister about my daughter.  Turns out, these older girls said that they see Juliana in the schoolyard sometimes and she is bossing around the boys in her class.  My sister was concerned and brought this to my attention.  I was alarmed, and had a talk with my daughter.  Juliana reported that she gets upset when the other kids don’t like to do things her way.  She told me that sometimes the boys do stupid things and she tries to tell them how to do things.  These comments really concerned me, because I realized that my daughter was just like me in that respect.  As a type A personality, I have always had to deal with my bossy tendencies.  Growing up, I spent plenty of time putting myself (and trying to keep myself) “in check”, and it took many years and many damaged friendships to realize that everyone has to live their own lives and I can only control myself. 

I am proud of my daughter for being a leader.  I am proud that she stands up for her beliefs, and I am proud that she is developing into a strong and independent young lady.  But seeing myself in my daughter, seeing one of my biggest challenges in life “in the mirror” has made me remember that I need to constantly be aware of how I cannot control everything and need to accept my faults and the faults of others and move forward.

My twins are 19 months, and can often be little parrots.  One of the boys is always being a clown, making everyone laugh and often needing to be reminded to behave.  I recently realized that I do the same thing my mother used to do.  I haven’t figured out yet if that is a good thing or a bad thing.  Whenever I used to get reprimanded by my mother, she would react by calling my dad if I needed to be reprimanded a second time.  “Lou!  Jennifer is not listening to me!”  So last week, when I reprimanded my son Louis (named after my father!), and he responded with “PAUL!” I knew that I used the same way of ‘reprimanding’ that my mom did.    When Louis misbehaves, I react by calling “Paul!”.  Louis just beat me to it by calling his father for me!

Funny thing is, my dad and I have always had a great relationship, and I don’t know why my mom always tried to make me afraid of him!  I guess she thought that having the male parent be the disciplinarian would work better than the female.  But, like in our house, my mom was the one who was home the majority of the time with the kids, and therefore had to do the majority of the disciplining when necessary.  So even if my children behave when my husband disciplines them, that will not help me when he is at work all day long!

I watch the twins interact with each other, and I watch my daughter interact with her brothers.  The twins talk to each other with their hands, pointing and shrugging their shoulders, making faces and raising their voices when they aren’t heard.  And they do it just like I do.  I recently was reminded once again how I need to watch how I react in front of my children, and how these little sponges were taking everything in.  My son Anthony will raise his voice and point his finger at his brother when his brother steals his cookies.  Just like I raise my voice and point my finger.

We are our children’s first teachers.  My little “echoes” are MY teachers.  When I see myself in them and see that their behaviors need to change, it reminds me that I am the one who might need to adjust MY behavior.  Just another advantage to being a parent.  We have that constant “mirror image” or “echo” that reminds us of what we may need to adjust.  As long as we follow up and work on adjusting it, we should be ok.  Just because we are grownups doesn’t mean we aren’t still learning, growing and changing, right?   

Jennifer
Wife to Paul, Mom to Juliana (8), Anthony and Louis (1) and Joseph (7 months)
www.nevaland.com

The “Happiest Place on Earth” may be the happiest place on earth, and it may be the most family friendly place you will ever visit, but what if you have multiple babies?  Is it still family friendly?  And are you as a parent “happy” in the Happiest Place on Earth?

My husband and I decided to be spontaneous, something we cannot often do with our children, especially with three children under two years old.  I needed a vacation, and so we decided at the end of January that we would spend my daughter’s winter break in Florida.  We booked rooms with our timeshare in Orlando, and I was thrilled that we were going to get away from the snow and cold for a few days and spend a little time with Mickey Mouse.  We weren’t planning on visiting all the parks, and would play it by ear, but I figured we’d spend two or three days in Walt Disney World and introduce our little ones to this most wonderful family vacationing spot.  The boys adore Mickey Mouse and friends, and my daughter, although this would be her third trip to Disneyworld, was very excited.  As for Paul and I?  No matter how old I get, I still love to go to Disneyworld.  It is my favorite place to be.  So I was totally unprepared for anything less than an amazing vacation.

The only negative with planning something spur of the moment is that we didn’t get the chance to seriously research doing Disney with three babies.  I automatically assumed that we’d have no problems in Disneyworld, as it caters to young families.  This may be true, however, if you are a family like ours, Disney might not be the place to go…  believe it or not!

The first morning we awoke in Orlando, I was more excited than the kids were!  I couldn’t wait to see Mickey Mouse, I could not wait to see that castle in The Magic Kingdom, and I was so looking forward to the mid afternoon parade with all the characters, music and dancing.  We were unlucky enough to arrive in Orlando during the coolest week of the year, but I was determined to enjoy the week in the cooler weather.  After all, we had just left 26 degrees and a foot of snow in NYC.  Fifty-five degrees in Orlando was better than that!  Plus, I had only done the Disney parks in 95 degrees in the past, and waiting on lines in the heat and humidity, walking with the kids would be difficult.  Perfect.  As the park was open until 1 am that day, we decided to wait until 11 am to arrive, to give the sun some time to warm up Orlando.
We had to get through the crowds with my seven year old, a double stroller and a single stroller.  We thought it easier to take the two strollers than our triple.  We walked around a little bit, just letting the kids take it all in, and decided that the first ride we took them on was “It’s a Small World”.  The wait was only 30 minutes, so we went on.  I asked the attendant if I could wait on the line with the kids in the strollers until I got to the ropes, and she said we had to park our strollers.  Of course, having rules the way they are, I understood why they needed us to park our strollers.  I asked if there was any alternative, as we were only two adults with three babies (my seven year old cannot hold a baby in a crowd), and she said no.  I was a bit taken back, but again, rules are rules.  We parked the strollers, took the kids out, and got on the line.
As we expected, due to my boys getting bored and antsy (what toddler doesn’t?), it was a nightmare on the line.  Paul held the twins, and I held Joseph.  The twins wanted to get down, so Paul put them down.  I would hold one of their hands and Paul would hold the other’s hand.  Louis is into diving on the floor yelling “safe” (as in baseball sliding), and Anthony is the neat police, picking up every bit of food or paper that falls on the floor.  And wouldn’t you know it, both of the twins did exactly those two things while waiting in line.  So as one twin was throwing himself on the floor and the other was picking up every bit of Disney litter, Mommy and Daddy were in a sweat.  I need to remind you that we also had our 5 month old Joseph on this line, as we alternated which of us would hold Joseph and which of us would fight with twin toddlers.

We were still determined to enjoy our trip to The Magic Kingdom.  After all, we spent enough money to get in the park!  Tickets were almost $80 for each of us to get in and almost $70 for Juliana to get in.  For $240, we were CERTAINLY determined to get SOME fun in the day.  Don’t let anyone fool you.  You only save a significant amount of money if you go to the parks for multiple days.  And I don’t mean 2 or 3, I mean 7 or 10.  Well, if you buy the four day passes you save about $20 for a day.  But if you are like my family, who can’t possibly do all of these multiple days in the same trip, you have to add on the “no expiration” option, which adds a lot more to your ticket bill.  I often wonder if Walt Disney had those prices in his plan when he designed this amazing world. 
Well, those Disney people are not stupid after all, because the look on the boys’ faces when our boat went through “It’s a Small World” was priceless.  They loved every minute of it, as did Juliana.  And no matter how many times Paul and I sit through it ourselves, it is still amazing.  So off we went to continue on our park journey.

I asked the attendants on the Pooh ride if my husband could wait on the line with one of the little guys, and I would wait with the others in their strollers until he made it to the front of the line, to save us from fighting our kids on the long lines (as the lines were getting thicker at this point).  Once again I was told no.  Another attendant evidently felt sorry for me, and as obviously the senior of the two, he asked what he could do to help us.  I explained our dilemma that we could not possibly wait on one more line with three babies and our daughter with only two adults.  I told him that I was not trying to cut any lines, and that one of us was quite willing to wait on the long line with everyone else.  If they could allow us to do this, it would be very helpful, and I would meet him at the front of the line with the remaining children.  He said that even though it was busy today, he could help us out.  So he asked his colleague to assist me to the front of the line as my husband got up the ramp and was almost ready to board. 
Paul called my cell as he approached the ramp, as surprisingly, the line was moving quickly.  I took the twins out of their carriages, and the attendant helped me get to Paul.  I was thrilled.  And then, the line stood still.  Evidently, the “fast pass” line backed up, so they needed to take them first, having the rest of us wait.  And so once again, Paul and I were on the line for another twenty minutes with Juliana and three babies.  And once again, we were in a sweat, losing our patience and energy, and not very happy in the “happiest place on earth”.

We spent the next day at our resort, debating on whether to try another park or not.  We met other vacationers and resort workers, and asked for tips and pointers, should we decide to try the parks again.  A few people suggested lying, either renting a wheelchair and beating all the lines all together, or going to customer service and telling them one of my children had special needs to get a pass to avoid the lines, and honestly, this was NOT an option.  We were blessed with healthy children, and I won’t take advantage of special accommodations for those families who really need it due to disabilities or illnesses.  Although I do think my family could use special accommodations, we were not eligible for any without lying, so we decided that our first Disneyworld trip as a family of six would be an abridged version, and we didn’t visit any more parks.

Yes, Disneyworld has the “baby swap”, but that doesn’t help our family because we still have to wait on the lines with three babies and only two adults.  Yes, Disney has “fast pass”, but if you utilize this feature and your ticket says to return 3-4 hours later, if you are walking with multiple toddlers, do you really think it is conducive to return to that area of the park later on, when it takes so much effort to get around as it is?  Yes, The Magic Kingdom (and I believe all the other parks as well) has a baby care center, but only one in the park, so if you are on another end of the park and need to feed three babies or change three diapers, you need to use the bathroom (and wait on the baby changing table line) or use your strollers.  And a lot of the other “perks” Disney claims to offer for young families is ONLY an option if you are staying at a Disney resort.  As we utilized our time share, that didn’t help us.  But I DID visit the vacation desk at our resort, which was manned by a Disneyworld employee, and she could offer no other help for us.

Although I feel every child should experience Walt Disneyworld at the various stages in their lives: as toddlers, as preschoolers, as school aged children and as teens, I would certainly re-evaluate taking your toddlers if you have more than one toddler at a time, for Disneyworld is not very family friendly for families with multiple toddlers/babies.

Jennifer
Wife to Paul, Mom to Juliana (7), Anthony and Louis (1) and Joseph (4 months)www.nevaland.com

Most days we find ourselves working round the clock.  As mothers (and often fathers!), we are up at the crack of dawn getting ready for the day.  We prepare meals, take out everyone’s clothes, and get everybody ready for their day.  Chores are endless and there are only 24 hours in a day.  Working mothers have two jobs, and any parent knows that being a mother is a full time job in itself, with constant overtime and no vacation days, sick days, or personal time.  But it never ends there.

When do we find the time to do everything else?  How can we squeeze in appointments, birthdays, play dates, cleaning out the closets, catching up with the latest best seller, or the hundred other things on our “to-do” list? Furthermore, how do we find the time (or energy) to focus on romance and keeping that relationship strong?  And what about “Mommy time”?  Does it even exist?

I am married with four children.  I work full-time from home and then have other jobs I do during the course of the month.  Approaching the end of every month, the crunch begins.  I have end of the month deadlines that I often find haunting me in the final days of every month because I never found the time throughout the month to complete them.  But after the crunch is over and it is the beginning of the next month, I wonder if it is lack of time or lack of motivation that led me to be behind yet again another month?

I have spoken to many mothers who say that they have no motivation to do anything that is not first priority, or I should say, what they consider to be priority at the moment.  Helena works full-time out of the home.  A single mother, she also does freelance writing to help with the bills.  She has attempted countless ways to try to help her get motivated to complete her writing each month, which often falls to the wayside.  Helena has asked me to help her get motivated to write her articles.

Renee also works full-time out of the home.  Mom of two, she lives with her fiancé and has a hectic schedule with two very active boys.  Renee loves to read, but finds it almost impossible to devote any significant time to the Best Seller List.  She finds herself sitting in the car while waiting for baseball practice to end, tempted to open that book, but then the phone rings or another mother comes up to the car to chat.  So she crawls into bed and manages to open a book (“I’ll just read a few chapters…” turns into an all-nighter) she spends the next day dragging and drained from a lack of sleep.  There is no ‘happy medium’.

That online master’s degree program that Jenna signed up for last year looked like the perfect solution to allowing her to complete that degree she has always dreamed of.  The benefits of an online program that we have today, while seeming to fit perfectly in Jenna’s life, are being met by the demands of her two toddlers and husband.  Jenna really wants to get this degree in motion, but is not motivated enough to get the ball rolling due to being so busy with the kids.

We ALL have good intentions, and the motivating factors behind these things (and others) should be enough to keep us going, but we are often too consumed in the demands of the day that we cannot get to complete what we set out to complete.  How can we get motivated and stay motivated?

Here are some things we can try, hoping it helps!

The Buddy System - Exercising, dieting, even spring cleaning, can often be easier to do and stick with when done with a friend.  I was most successful in my weight loss goals when my aunt (who was living in the apartment upstairs from me at the time) and I dieted together.  We would share recipes, celebrate our successes together, head out grocery shopping (for healthy foods and finds, of course) together, and help each other through our pitfalls together.

Group – Join a book club, and the other ladies in the club will help get you motivated to catch up on your reading.  There is more accountability and strength in numbers, and it will be more fun if you can be involved in the discussions and can discuss the books from your own viewpoints if you read the books!

Enlisting the help of your spouse/significant other – Whether your partner is your accountability buddy or if he/she helps out in some of your other chores so that you can complete the tasks you are seeking motivation for, having your spouse/significant other on board with you in your goals always makes things that much easier.  As a matter of fact, the whole family should be on board to help out where they can, and having stress lessened in one area can help you manage in other areas.

Reminders / Calendars / To-Do Lists – In the age of technology, I have finally become better at keeping track of things, due to the reminders I set up on my laptop and my blackberry.  As I learn of deadlines I need to make, I put them into the calendar feature.  I give myself a few days notice to remind me, and the notification is clear enough to remind me.  So when I have an article due on Tuesday, I set the reminder alarm to go off on Sunday, giving me two more days to complete it.  Unfortunately there is always the option to click the “snooze” button (same problem I always had with alarm clocks each morning since I was younger!), so I cannot be guaranteed to get it done immediately, but at least the reminder is fresh in my mind at all times.

As mothers, we must remember that we are human first, not machines.  We are often our biggest critics, and if you can continuously remind yourself that you are doing a great job, it might be motivation enough  to keep you going!  Good luck!

Jennifer
Wife to Paul, Mom to Juliana (7), Anthony and Louis (1) and Joseph (4 months)www.nevaland.com

The new generation does not know life without cell ph0ones, Blackberries, I-Pods, DVRs, WI-Fi, Bluetooth and more.  As a matter of fact, even adults often wonder how we survived years ago without all of these things.  But we did, and we did it well.  As children, we would play outside and make up games, socialize with the neighborhood children, use our noggins.  The children of today use their noggins in quite a different way.  My eight year old knows more about computers than my Mom does.  She can wire a DVD player and play movies for her younger brothers but my Dad cannot.  It is amazing what the advancements in technology are allowing us to do.  But are there negatives to innovation when it comes to our children?

Technology and Literacy: Adversely related?

One mom recently posed the question: If children are texting and messaging on social networking sites with all of these acronyms and shorthand lingo, will this affect their grammar and vocabulary as well as writing ability?

As a family therapist and a mother, my perspective remains the same for this as it does for many other issues…  As a parent, we have a duty and responsibility to teach our children and to enforce the importance of education.  While the styles and methods of teaching (also due to the advancements in technology and keeping up with current times) may have changed from when we were students, proper English has not changed, nor has the content of what children will learn in school changed.  School curriculums have not changed, nor will they… your child will be learning the proper way to write, the correct grammatical formats and weekly spelling tests continue. So as long as our children are in school and as long as we as parents are stressing the importance of staying in school and studying to learn, they will be fine.  We need to be aware as parents how the child is doing in school.  We as parents need to be sure we are monitoring their progress.

With all the advancements of today, children (and adults) seem to be moving at a speed we’ve never moved before.  We can send information in the blink of an eye.  We can find out information just as quickly.   The negative to that is that kids always seem to need to do something: watching television/movies, texting, surfing the internet, playing video games; and children often report boredom when they are not. In keeping with the generation, adults need to be a little more creative in order to keep them motivated and keep them learning. Many adults have found ways to do this.  Moving with technology, some teachers are using computers and cell phones in a positive way with the students: emailing assignments, having notes/information available for the students online, utilizing text messaging and/or social media sites to remind students of assignments, keeping parents engaged with emails and text messages.  I recently read Read Between the Lines:  A Humorous Guide to Texting with Simplicity and Style by Shawn Marie Edgington.  The author discusses some teachers are even using special software where teen students can text in questions during class– helping those who wouldn’t normally raise their hands, keeping some questions and comments anonymous to the other students, and engaging children more effectively because they can relate better.  I’d be curious to see how these classes are doing with grades/standardized test scores as compared to classes that are just utilizing traditional means of learning such as the chalkboard and notebooks.  Certainly studies will be done soon on this!

Rude or respectful?

I am a happy Blackberry owner, and the age of technology has shaped my career and the way I run my day.  I am able to work from home and stay with my children as I work for an online mother’s website because of advanced technology.  I can take my daughter to her dentist appointment without missing an important email.  I can hold conference calls while feeding my infant and giving the twins Cheerios.  I can run around the corner to get milk at the deli and not miss that important message that says my meeting was changed from 9am to noon. 

With all the demands of work and life, I have also become guilty of reaching for my Blackberry when I hear the notification of a new email, even at the most inopportune of times.  I have sat at dinner with family and replied to a text from one of my discussion leaders who was having a problem on the forum and needed my assistance.  And while the advanced technology worked wonders for my job, I was rude for interrupting dinner to move my thumbs and reply to something that arguably could have waited until after dinner.

As an adult, I know that there is a time and place for everything, and although I use the excuse “this is all part of my job”, I must admit it gets a little addicting.  I recognize this and know I need to utilize by phone/computer at more appropriate times.  As a mother, I recognize I better adjust this fast, because my children are very quick learners.  My husband and I went out to dinner not too long ago and across the room I saw a family eating their dinner: a mother and father and a little girl of about seven or eight years of age.  The girl was sitting at the table with her Nintendo DS while the parents ordered dinner.  What was striking was that every time I looked across the room, the little girl was still playing with her DS, even while the family was eating dinner.  I found this totally inappropriate, and commented so to my husband.  Since my children were infants we always sat down to eat dinner as a family, often with the baby at the table in his bouncy seat while the rest of us ate.  We always wanted to teach our children the importance of this family time and the respect to sit together, eat together and hold a family conversation regularly.  Although this is not possible for every family due to life demands of work and school, I wholeheartedly believe that every family should set aside at least one day per week to eat as a family, and there should be no video games, telephones, or other distractions.  Therefore, I have begun to make a conscious effort to remain respectful to my family and leave the emails and texts until after dinner.

Technology is moving at the speed of light (I believe that phrase was already used before in a commercial!) and the current generation is moving just as quickly.  If we utilize these advances positively and make the best of today’s lifestyles, there is no need to compromise our children’s intelligence, positive behaviors and habits, and we can all advance with technology together.

Jennifer
Wife to Paul, Mom to Juliana (7), Anthony and Louis (1) and Joseph (4 months)www.nevaland.com

The holiday season has begun!  This is a wonderful time of year for many of us, although for some it can be the worst time of the year.  As we celebrate this time of good tidings and cheer, my thoughts are with those families that may be having a tough time this holiday season, for whatever reason.

I am of Italian heritage.  Years ago, after the death of a loved one, my relatives would spend months wearing only black, and the holidays would be fairly simple: no Christmas cards, no decorating, and no partying. 

I remember when I was 13 years old, a cousin passed away.  She was only 36 years old and left behind two young children.  From that year on, my grandparents never decorated again for Christmas.  Although they still gave us presents and my grandmother continued to cook dinner, it was never again the same for her. 

This past September, just ten days after my two month old was born, my grandmother passed away.  She had been sick for some time, and was eighty three years old.  I had a hard time jump starting myself to prepare for the holidays this year, but I have four little children and cannot “skip” over Christmas just because I may not be in the Christmas spirit.  And although my grandmother didn’t celebrate the holidays after she lost her niece, I am sure she would want me to make sure my children have a great Christmas.  Once I started Christmas shopping and put up the tree, it was easier to get into the spirit.  Although for me, I will never forget how Grandma always made Christmases special.

As parents, we often have to put aside our own feelings for the sake of our children.  That might mean pushing ourselves to put a smile on our face when we really want to cry.  That might mean sacrificing something we really want to get that special toy for our child.  That might mean putting up a Christmas tree and sending out cards when you really want to skip right over December altogether.

I have always loved Christmastime.  Even though Christmas this year will be hard without my grandmother, seeing the smiling faces of my four children on Christmas morning makes Christmas that much better.  And as wonderful as it is, I am also reminded of another Christmas that was not so wonderful, and I did not have four beautiful children to brighten it up.

Before my oldest daughter was born, I lost two pregnancies.  I found out I was pregnant in December of 2000, and I found out it was an ectopic pregnancy on December 27th.  I had surgery on January 4th and came home January 5th to see the house still fully decorated for Christmas.  I cried for hours while my family took the decorations down.  I lost another baby only four months later, and once again was in a terrible place.  Before getting pregnant with my daughter, I started to put all my thoughts down on paper.  I wrote a poem and started to write about my bumpy road on becoming a mother.  I now have four beautiful children, although I didn’t think I would ever get to that point.  I became a Family Therapist to help other women and couples who were dealing with pregnancy loss and infertility, for I found there was not much available for me when I needed the help.  After my daughter was born, I published “Becoming a Mother”.  I have been truly blessed with my family.  But every Christmas I am reminded of that awful season.  Here is the poem I wrote:

Me…

Imagine for a second…
How a little girl dreams of becoming a mother –
A role in her life unlike any other.
Dreaming of the day she can hug her baby
“I’d like to have two or three, maybe.”
…that was me.
Imagine for a second…
A young woman is pregnant, and just found out.
Her feelings are mixed without a doubt.
She’s so thrilled yet a bit scared of the thought
Of the job ahead and everything to be taught.
…that was me.
Imagine for a second…
The pregnant woman has just been told
Of a poor diagnosis that is two-fold.
Her tube is bad, the baby has died,
How upset she is and how she has cried.
…that was me.
Imagine for a second…
Two months of torture, being so sad –
‘Could the remaining tube be just as bad?’
Then to her surprise, the wonderful fact –
She’s pregnant again, the tube is intact!
…that was me.
Imagine for a second…
The woman and her husband in weeks of pure bliss
‘We’re having a baby!” How great is this?
Looking forward to finally meeting the child growing inside.
The joy of ‘parents-to-be’ – just imagine their pride!
…that was me.
Imagine for a second…
Visiting the doctor, expecting a heartbeat.
‘The baby has died…’ – this child they’ll never meet.
A feeling of numbness, unable to speak,
Trying to stand, but feeling quite weak.
…that was me.
Imagine for a second…
The awful trip to the operating room…
It might as well have been her tomb.
For the second time, her child has died.
For the second time, they’re taking the child inside.
…that was me.
Imagine for a second…
Her husband wishes she’d return to herself,
As he looks at all the angels she’s collecting on a shelf.
Becoming a mother has taken over her life –
‘Is our family destined to be just husband and wife?’
…that was me.
Imagine for a second…
That little girl dreaming is now a wife
And she still has the dream she’s had all her life.
She would have never thought that what would be true
Is that here on earth she has no children, but Heaven has two.
She knows that God will one day bless her with children she’ll bear,
She holds onto that dream, and holds onto that prayer.
…this IS me.

In memory of two little souls I’ll never forget.
You’re looking down at Mommy, I bet.

 I wish you all Happy Holidays.  Hoping you are in the holiday spirit, if not for yourself, for your children. 

Jennifer Nevadomski, M.S.
www.nevaland.com

I believe in vaccinating children.  I have vaccinated my children according to the guidelines, and feel more comfortable knowing that certain diseases and sicknesses have been eradicated in this country due to vaccines.  It worries me knowing that underdeveloped countries lack the funds to vaccinate, which means that certain diseases have not been wiped out completely.  This scares me because I know that some children are not vaccinated in the US due to their parents’ beliefs, but this means that it is possible that diseases that we have vaccines for may be rampant in other parts of the world, may spread to the US to children that have not been vaccinated, and different strains may develop creating an epidemic in this country. 

I would never claim to be a medical expert, for I am a family counselor, not a doctor.  But more importantly, I am a mom.  I do not judge any other parent for their decisions regarding their own children, but I do admit that it worries me that my children can come home with let’s say a new strain of smallpox because a family who hadn’t vaccinated their children went to another country and their child caught the disease.  As a mom, not a medical professional, I have read into the literature on vaccines, and although I know that there are negatives to vaccinating (side effects, the possibility of a link between vaccinating and autism, etc.), I feel the benefits outweigh the risks, and the percentages of children who have a negative reaction to a vaccine are too small for me to not vaccinate.  If one of my four children were to be among those statistics I may feel otherwise, however, realistically, a widespread epidemic of a deadly disease scares me terribly.

That being said, I am not personally comfortable with my children receiving the H1N1 vaccine.  The schedule of vaccines that are recommended for children have all been around for many years.  As a matter of fact, I received many of the vaccines when I was a child.  We are aware of any long term effects of the vaccines given today, as they have been around for decades.  The H1N1 is a live vaccine (which in itself makes me uncomfortable) and it is too new to know what long term effects it may have on those who get it.  So although I believe in vaccines, I have read up on it, have discussed the options with my pediatrician, family doctor and other medical professionals, and my husband and I have decided that our children will not have the H1N1 vaccine this year.  That doesn’t rule it out for the future, but for now, we will not be getting it.

We are extremely lucky to live in a country where we have clean hospitals and educated doctors as well as safe medications.  I pray that my children (as well as my husband and I) can steer clear of the H1N1 germs this year, but should we get infected in our house, I trust in the medical care our doctors can provide.  That does not mean that we are not washing our hands a thousand times a day in our house!  And my daughter has been instructed to stay FAR AWAY from any children in her class who even sniffle.  Hoping H1N1 does not come near our family!

Jennifer
Wife to Paul, Mom to Juliana (7), Anthony and Louis (1) and Joseph (Newborn)
www.nevaland.com

Time management is an art form.  Whether you are a working mom, work at home mom or stay at home mom, there always seems to be a million and one things to get done.  As a mother of four young children, I always find myself running out of time by the end of the day.  I wish there were more hours in a day, maybe then I could manage to get all the laundry put away or have time to do all my writing in a timely manner. 

When I am asked how I manage my home, being wife and mom of four, family therapist and freelance writer, then adding in cooking, cleaning and other chores, plus my full time job as City Ambassador of New York City’s MomsLikeMe.com, I laugh.  I try to manage my time as effectively as possible.  That often means that I am on conference calls while nursing the baby or counseling a client by phone while cutting vegetables for dinner! 

Here are some tips for helping with the daily crunch, although I must admit I need to brush up on my own time management skills!
Prioritize

I try to make a mental note each morning of what absolutely needs to get done today and what can wait if necessary.  For instance, my daughter has gym class on Wednesdays and needs her gym outfit.  So I need to be sure on Tuesday morning, if I haven’t already, her laundry needs to be done so her gym clothes are ready for that evening.  May sound simple, but I cannot remember how many times I have been left doing laundry Tuesday night because I procrastinated doing the laundry all day and needed to get it done.

Luckily for me I have deadlines with work.  As I work from home, there is always work that needs to be done: Newsletters are due by Wednesday morning, content reports are due by Sunday afternoon, articles are due by month’s end, etc.  I live by the alarms on my blackberry and Outlook, so when “Newsletter Due – 4 hours” pops up on screen, I know I better make sure I am almost done with the week’s newsletter!

I enjoy my twice a month manicures and pedicures.  Those times are my “me” times, where I get peace and quiet (and even a little massage!), time to myself, and I walk out feeling that much better about myself when my nails look good.  Yes, it does take two hours out of my time, but for me, I am recharged and refueled for a little while.  So I am sure to add my nail salon time into my list of priorities.  I do recommend every mom does the same:  whether it is time to read that book, time for a bubble bath, time to go jogging, or whatever it is that helps keep you going, “me” time should be a priority.

Delegate

If you are anything like me, you have a hard time delegating chores out to other family members.  I need to get passed the “If you want something right, you have to do it yourself” mentality, because if I don’t, I will never get everything I need done.  Naturally, when you have children and a home to keep clean, laundry to do, whether you are a working mom or stay at home mom, it can become challenging to do it all by yourself week after week.

Obviously if you have very young children, you cannot ask them to help with your tasks.  However, even a young toddler can help clean up.  I like to go over to my fifteen month old twins and have them each pick up a toy to put back into the toy chest each evening before bedtime.  I find that now, I will see them occasionally putting a toy back in the toy chest without being asked to.  If we continue to do this regularly, it will become habit with the boys, and they will be on their way to keeping their own toys and putting things away themselves, which is one thing less that I will need to do after putting them to bed every night.

My daughter is seven years old.  I have asked her to sit with the baby and feed him his bottle while I am a few feet away writing an article or folding laundry.  I have also asked her to help out by putting the clothes from the washing machine into the dryer for me.  I still need to check everything she does and I still need to keep an eye on her, but the extra pair of hands really helps out every now and then.  Now if I can only get her to keep her room clean!

My husband washes the dishes every night.  I am very lucky to have had him volunteer to do this from when we first got married.  The plan was that if I cook, he will do the dishes.  And he has held up his end of the deal.  This allows me to finish up with what I have to get done while he is doing the dishes.  Maybe your spouse is not into doing dishes.  Ask him if he can help with bathing the children or some other duty that you would usually do.   

Organization

In some aspects I am extremely organized but in others I am a mess.  If I can only get my closets and drawers as organized as they should be, I would find a lot more time during the day that I waste on searching for the match to a shoe or a missing receipt in a pile of mail!  I am the first to admit this is one of my biggest downfalls in time management skills.  For as long as I can remember, I find myself spending way too much time searching for missing things.  My biggest problem with this issue is when I put something away for safe keeping and then cannot remember where I put it, therefore spending way too much time sorting through drawers and closets to find it!  Regardless of my own demons, it is always a good idea to be organized.  As you can see from my experiences, it can help save a ton of time!

While I may not be the best in organizing closets, cabinets, drawers and storage space, I am organized with most everything else.  My blackberry is priceless.  I have my daughter’s school schedule in my calendar, along with every doctor’s appointment, work event, party and other items which I have set with reminders to help me remember them.  I have my emails go through my blackberry as well, so when I get an important email, I save it it my blackberry so I can refer to it if away from my computer.  I have my entire address book in my blackberry as well, and try to add any contacts I meet daily in there, should I lose a business card or slip of paper with a name and address on it.  I include either the person’s company info or reason for contact in the entry, so I can search easily.  I even have Microsoft Word, Excel and Powerpoint downloaded onto my blackberry so that I can open important files and get other information when I am on the go.   In addition to my blackberry, one can also often find notes all around my house:  sticky notes on my mirror, checklists on my desk or dining room table, and notes from my daughter’s school tacked on to the refrigerator.  I have even been known to tack a note onto the inside of my front door so that I won’t forget something when I leave.  Hey, whatever works, right?

There are only twenty-four hours in a day.  At least six or eight of those hours should be spent sleeping, to recharge for the next day.  Naturally, as parents, we are going to run out of the remaining sixteen hours.  They go by so quickly!

Jennifer
Wife to Paul, Mom to Juliana (7), Anthony and Louis (1) and Joseph (Newborn)
www.nevaland.com

When I was in college, I worked in a dental office with an older woman who had children.  Her children were not more than five or so years older than I was.  I clearly remember the time she was sharing the birth story of her oldest son.  She explained how she begged the OB to allow the nurse to bring an ash tray into the delivery room.  The doctor obliged, and in between contractions, Vicky smoked her Camels.  I asked my Mom about the validity of this, and my Mom said that although there was no smoking in the delivery room or operating room when I was born, the moms were allowed to smoke in their rooms through labor and after the baby was born.  I was amazed and shocked.

My Mom went on to tell me how mothers smoking cigarettes during pregnancy was the norm back in the sixties and seventies.  She also said that no one had ever mentioned not eating certain cheeses and fish during pregnancy, how mothers would drink wine while pregnant and that times have certainly changed from the time I was born to the time my children were born.

I recently took part in a discussion with other mothers of today about their lifestyles and lifestyle changes, if any, during their pregnancies.  I think it is safe to say that most moms today are ‘middle of the road’ as opposed to either living like they are in a bubble or living on the wild side. 

I have been pregnant five times.  I miscarried my first two pregnancies, then went on to have four healthy babies.  If you are doing the math, yes, one of the pregnancies was a set of twins!  While I was high risk and followed doctor’s orders when it came to such things as taking my progesterone suppositories and going on modified bedrest at 28 weeks, I did not necessarily live every moment of my life by the words of ‘A Perfect Pregnancy’… you know, the compilation of hundreds of books written by a million doctors, midwives, philosophers and anyone claiming to have knowledge of childbirth, that is sold in every bookstore!  I am referring to all those books that make moms-to-be afraid to breathe.  I actually find it amazing how each of these “professionals” has a different set of facts and statistics, many contradicting each other, and many not taking into consideration how every pregnancy, like every baby, is different.

I would never claim to be a medical professional, I am a family counselor.  But after having four children and working with many mothers and moms-to-be, I have developed my own philosophy.  What does not harm a woman when she is not pregnant won’t harm her when she is pregnant, as long as, like everything else, it is done in moderation.  Illegal drugs are never good for anyone, pregnant or not, so that is not even a question for a pregnant woman.  But a glass of wine here and there has never proven to be harmful, and I have had a few sips of wine and beer over the course of all of my pregnancies.

After losing two babies, I was brought to the stage of blaming myself.  I questioned if my smoking cigarettes before I knew I was pregnant both times made me lose the babies.  And as I had tried to quit smoking for many years, I also smoked before I knew I was pregnant with two of my healthy pregnancies as well, quitting the moment I got positive pregnancy test both times.  I asked my doctor, who of course tried to get me to quit for years, and even he admitted that my losses had nothing to do with me smoking.  Even though I smoked less than a pack a day, I always knew it was not healthy for ANYONE, and am proud to say that I have been smoke-free for almost three years now!  But, the two cigarettes I had each day during those pregnancies did not cause the losses. 

My losses weren’t caused by the bologna and cheese sandwich I ate, nor the time I colored my hair before my cousin’s wedding, nor the two Tylenol I took for that headache I had when I was newly pregnant.  As a matter of fact, there are so many things that we are told to stay away from during pregnancy, and so many things we need to be aware of when we are expecting (like don’t eat that soft cheese!), those things alone can make us go nuts!  Here is a list of things that we have all heard (or maybe not!) about what to stay away from while being pregnant.  Please note that I am not saying ANY of these things are either harmful or not, I would suggest that if you are concerned with any of these items on the list, you should research the validity of it and ask your doctor or midwife before you change your entire lifestyle.  Some of these things are more dangerous than others, so be careful and mindful of your precious cargo!

• Smoking
• Drinking wine and other alcohol
• Coloring hair
• Drinking coffee and other caffeinated products
• Taking drugs (legal or illegal, prescribed or over the counter)
• Heavy lifting
• Painting rooms (and breathing in fumes from paint)
• Eating sushi and other raw fish
• Eating soft cheeses
• Eating deli meats
• Taking something for pain, even “safe” medicines
• Riding roller coasters
• Not watching salt/sugar intake
• Changing the cat’s litter
• Acrylic nails
• Climbing ladders
• Playing sports
• Working stressful jobs
• Using artificial sweeteners
• Going tanning
• Eating Tuna
• Eating undercooked meat

REMEMBER: This is just a list of what different people have noted to be unsafe.  Not all are proven unsafe, especially in moderation!  Do your research and ask your doctor!

After losing two babies and giving birth to four healthy babies, I am a firm believer that for the most part, a healthy baby will survive pregnancy, and a baby with serious enough defects from conception (or if the mom has serious enough reproductive problems of her own, as in my case) will not.  Getting acrylic tips on your nails won’t cause a miscarriage. 

As far as the health of your child, I would again do your research and ask your pediatrician.  You may want to adjust your habits or better monitor your child’s habits.  I look back now at the ‘seasonal asthma’ that my daughter was diagnosed with as a toddler and note that it is pretty much non-existent now that she is almost eight.  Did she grow out of it?  Or is it because I quit smoking almost 3 years ago?  Although I always left the room when I lit up a cigarette, smoke has its way of traveling.  We are all better off now. 

I am very fortunate to have a wonderful OB/GYN.  He always reminded me during my pregnancies that it was best to weigh the pros and cons before making any decisions in pregnancy.  For instance, when I went to him crying with excruciating heartburn that would not get better no matter how many Tums, Zantac and a ton more “safe” medications I took, he prescribed Nexium.  As it was in the end of my second trimester and the baby’s organs were all fully developed by that point, we needed to weigh the fact that I could not sleep at night nor was I eating right because I was in too much pain.  This outweighed the so called cons of taking this drug.  So I took a Class C drug at the end of my last two pregnancies and all was well.  Class C drugs later in pregnancy are generally not harful.

As for craving a cup of coffee or a slice of ham?  Again, in moderation, caffeine will do no harm to anyone and as long as that slice of ham comes from a reputable deli with no known reason to believe that anyone would get poisoning from eating there, feed the craving.  Enjoy your pregnancy.   Before you know it your baby will be grown up and you will have missed out on this most wonderful time of your life because you were too worried about every breath you took.

Jennifer
Wife to Paul, Mom to Juliana (7), Anthony and Louis (1) and Joseph (Newborn)
www.nevaland.com

My brother and I are four years apart.  I distinctly remember being jealous when he was born.  I was only four years old, but I remember feeling like this new baby was trying to take over.  Prior to his birth, I not only had my own bedroom, but a playroom (we lived in a three bedroom apartment) with a huge play kitchen set in it.  When he came around, I lost my playroom, and since we lived in an apartment with no other place to keep the huge kitchen set, I lost that, too.

Furthermore, my father’s little sister was only 17 when I was born, and she and I were very close.  As a matter of fact, I looked up to her like my ‘rock star’, and she adored me.  Aunt Roe was my little brother’s godmother, and she adored this little alien baby, too.  I remember feeling very upset every time she held him.  I was told that I even slapped my aunt once for holding him.  As adults, my brother and I are very close, and I cannot believe I ever held any bad feelings for him!  Then again, I was only four years old!

My sister was born five years later, when I was nine and a half.  I do not remember feeling any jealousy towards her when she was born, nor anytime after. 

When my oldest daughter was six and a half, I gave birth to twin boys.  Remembering what I felt when my little brother was born, I was worried that she would be jealous as well.  As a matter of fact, knowing that I was upset after the birth of one of my siblings and not upset after the birth of the second, I was not quite sure what to expect from my daughter.  Then, when the twins were only fourteen months old, I gave birth to baby number four.  I was unsure of how I would be able to manage to give each of them the attention they needed, and hoped that jealousy wouldn’t play a role in our family, but was not sure.  Each child is different, and I just hoped for the best.

My daughter is quite possibly the best big sister ever.  She has never said a bad thing about any of her little brothers, with the exception of getting scolded for pencil marks on the wall and replied “Maybe one of the boys did it!”  The boys were only six months old at the time.  She has never expressed any envious feelings nor said any resentful comments.  And my little sister (who was ironically 17 when MY daughter was born and is HER ‘rock star’) has luckily never been at the receiving end of any rage from her niece like I did.

As my three youngest are all boys, I believe my daughter feels confident that since she keeps her “princess” status, she will always have that special place in our family. 
I am not sure she would have taken another sibling joining the family as well if she had had a younger sister. 

Younger children tend to be more envious than older children, as older children often have friends, are in school, have activities outside the home, and therefore are less dependent on their parents and less likely to be envious of the younger sibling.  This is not to say that older children cannot be jealous, as an older child has spent his entire life in his parents’ spotlight and now has to learn how to share it. 

A parent may not be able to accurately predict which child might show envy, which child might welcome a new sibling with open arms, and which child might be unmoved by a new sibling.  My twins were only 14 months old when my fourth child was born.  I was certain that the older twin would have given me a hard time when the new baby was born, as he had acid reflux as a newborn, has had stomach issues regularly since he was born, and always seemed to be in my arms being rocked to sleep.  I was mistaken, as it was his twin who didn’t want to go anywhere near the new baby when he arrived, refused to kiss him, and would walk away any time I was holding the baby.  As time goes on, he seems to be getting better, but is still not as receptive to our newest addition to the family as the others are.

As you can see, there are various factors that might contribute to a child being jealous of his new sibling:  age, sex (and sex of the new baby), relationship with parents, birth order, the child’s coping mechanisms, his individual personality type and the way the parents handle the situation. 

Children, regardless of the situation, continually need to know that they are loved, that they are unique, that they can never and will never be replaced.  When at all possible, spending one-on-one time with the older child will help him to see that he can still spend time with Mommy or Daddy and is still important to them.  What may be obvious to you may not be to the child.  It always helps to remind him how special he is and that he has an individual and important role in the family that no one else can have but him.

Jennifer
Wife to Paul, Mom to Juliana (7), Anthony and Louis (1) and Joseph (Newborn)
www.nevaland.com