Naptime Blog

I recently had the pleasure of working with Heather Simonson, LMSW.  Heather is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Sexuality Educator and Parent/Child Communication Specialist.  Heather runs a Sexuality Education and Counseling Services center here in New York (West Babylon, Long Island).  She and I discussed how important it is to deal with approaching sex and sexuality with your children at all stages of development, because, as you may already know as a parent, children are a) always growing and changing b) like sponges and c) very exploratory and inquisitive little beings!  We did a Q and A with various questions from all stages of development.  No matter where you are in the parenting process, you are likely to appreciate the great insight that Heather has to share with us.  See below for info on how to contact Heather and more info about her center!

Q -Every time I change my toddler’s diaper, he is reaching, grabbing and prodding his genitals.  I don’t know how to approach this with him.  Help!

A- First, I want to applaud you for asking the question. Most people slap their child’s hand away without giving it a second thought. It is completely normal and healthy for toddler’s to touch their genitals, but most parents don’t know how to address it and don’t have a place to go to ask.

We start sending our children messages about their bodies and their sexuality from the moment we hold them in our arms. So I would first encourage you to think about what kind of messages you want to send to your children and infuse them with your own values. Being positive about the body and about sexuality is a great way to start encouraging a healthy self-image and will also plant the seed for you to be their “go to” person when they have questions or need guidance about these matters as they grow up.

To do just that with a common situation like this one, a great response is, “I know that touching your vulva/penis must feel good. Since it is your private parts, it needs to be done only in private, like your bedroom or the bathroom.” This way you validate the behavior, you aren’t sending any negative messages about the behavior and you are reinforcing the integral value that sex and our body is something that is private.

Privacy is something that should be taught early on. You can also use this opportunity as a teachable moment to talk about if someone else ever touches their genitals that they should say no and tell someone they trust immediately. Also, that while they may be curious about others’ bodies, everyone’s body is for themselves and they should never touch anyone else’s privates.

The foundation of a sexually healthy person starts now, so talk early and talk often.

Q- My preschooler walked into the room while I was changing.  He/she saw me naked and is now questioning about my body parts.  How should I answer him/her?

A- Openly and honestly. It is healthy for children to see their parents be open about their bodies because it sends a positive message that you are proud of your body. However, everyone’s values and comfort level vary, so some people choose to cover up and some walk around in the buff. Either way, the important thing is to be open to these kinds of questions, be careful not to associate any wrongdoing by them asking, and answer the questions truthfully and with the proper names for your body parts.

Setting the stage now, when your children are young, for them to feel comfortable to ask you anything is vital to keeping an openly communicative relationship as they grow. Open parent – child communication is the best protective factor to keep them healthy and safe. Being mindful of your reactions when your child asks you questions that may be uncomfortable to answer is crucial. If the reaction is full of shock or shame, you may be sending a message to them that it’s not ok to ask such questions and they will be less likely to come to you next time.

A great way to give you some time to regroup is by saying, “That’s a great question, I need to think about the best way to answer that,” or “That’s a great question, now’s not the best time, but after dinner we’ll sit down to talk.” The key here is that the follow up should be within a day. Responses like these validate that the child asked a good question, but also gives you the time you need to answer thoughtfully.

By age 3 children should know the correct names for their body parts. Giving our private parts cute names for them only sends a message of shame and in the long wrong can make them vulnerable. Using proper names for all of our body parts can keep them safe so that they are able to communicate appropriately. For example, if someone is hurt, sick or was inappropriately touched, they may not be able to communicate that effectively if they don’t have the correct names.

Curiosity about the body during toddlerhood is completely normal and is best answered honestly. It is also a good teachable moment for you to explain how bodies develop from a child to a man/woman. However, keeping the answers short and sweet works as well just as long as it’s the truth.

Q – My eight year old daughter came home from school today and told me she knows that adults have sex.  I asked her where she heard this and she answered that her friend told her.  I am worried she is now misinformed.  Should I have a chat now?  And what is age-appropriate for the “sex talk”?

A -First and foremost, it is so wonderful that your daughter came to you to ask the question. Parents are the primary sexuality educators of their children, yet many kids at this age won’t go to their parents, so you are already one step ahead. Congratulations!

It is wonderful that you asked her where she heard this from so that you know where else she is getting her information. One thing to be mindful of is to think about the music behind the words, not just the words. When you ask your child why they are asking that question try to make the distinction between “Where did you hear THAT?” vs. “That’s a great question, we’ve never talked about that before – what makes you ask that?” We want to keep the lines of communication open so asking questions is great, but be conscious of the tone, which it sounds like you are.

While you’re right in being concerned that she may not be getting correct information from her peers, in this particular case, she is getting the truth because many adults do have sex. To determine what her level of knowledge is and how she may be misinformed, a great follow up to your question of where she heard this from is to ask her what she thinks her friend means by it or what she believes sex is. That way you actually do get to dispel any misinformation that she does have and you can meet her at her level when answering the question openly and honestly.

Sexuality is a life-long process and so discussions around the topic are best when they begin early and are part of everyday life. Having milestone “sex talks” at puberty, going to college, or the night before a wedding makes sex something mysterious and “the talk” something many feel anxious about.
As far as the common question of when is the right time to talk about sex with youth, the answer is by puberty age, which can be as early as 8- or 9-years-old. By this stage of sexual development, children should know everything about puberty and why it’s happening, which includes reproduction and what sex is.
Q-My child walked in on us!  Should I discuss with her what she saw or let it go?
A-It’s always best to discuss anything a child sees or hears right away, whether it is something they watched on television, a song on the radio or seeing their parents having sex. I know it’s very embarrassing, but it’s a great “teachable moment,” using a real life situation to educate, and an opening to talk about what sex is.

Ideally, a wonderful way to address this is to frame sex as something that is beautiful, sacred and shared between two adults who love each other. This sends a positive message about love, relationships and sex all in one.  Believe it or not, sending positive messages about sex is what ultimately will keep your kids safe, as opposed to being silent or scaring them into not doing it. Staying silent and letting it go, can leave a lot of room for interpretation and the curiosity may encourage your child to find out the information somewhere else. Since there is a lot of misinformation and conflicting messages out there, it is best that the information comes from you, especially since it can be infused with your own values.

Using “teachable moments” is an opportunity to express your values around sex. While there are certainly answers to questions about what children should know and when they should know it, no one can teach your children your values and that needs to come from home.

Q -I am afraid my young teen might be sexually active.  What is a good way to approach the topic?

A-How lucky your teen is to have a parent that wants to broach the topic of sex with them. The great news is there are many different approaches you can take.
One way is to use or create your own “teachable moment,” which is using a real life situation that arises to educate about a certain topic. These happen every day on television, in the news, with family etc. The greatest thing about them is that if you want to intentionally bring something up, you can create your own. You can rent a movie that is about teenage sex, find an article or book to leave around, or bring up a story that you may have heard about someone else.

Depersonalizing also really helps. Saying something like, “I heard today that nearly half (46%) of all 15–19-year-olds in the United States have had sex at least once.” You can then ask what they think about that or if their friends are having sex. This can open the door to having a great discussion around sex, your values and how to be safe. It is a great time to let them know what your values are about them having sex, and to relay that if and when they do, you want them to be able to come to you to ask you anything. By the way, according to the Alan Guttmacher Institute this statistic is true, but the bright side of it is over 50% of teens are not having sex (something important to point out to your teen, since most youth feel like everyone is doing it).

After communicating your values to your child, it is vital to give them information about how to be safe, not just physically, but emotionally as well. Talking about the emotional aspects of relationships and sex is a vital part of these discussions that many people forgo because there is so much focus on the “sex talk.” Many parents are really hesitant about this discussion since they are concerned that giving information about sexual protection may also be perceived as giving permission. It is not. By approaching it this way, you are telling them what your values are, and then telling them that when they do choose to have sex (and eventually, even if in adulthood, they probably will) they will be prepared and will know how to protect themselves.  After all, keeping our kids happy, healthy and safe is our number one priority as parents.

Q -My mom never discussed sex and sexuality with me.  She always made it seem “dirty” and “wrong”.  I never developed a healthy view of sex and sexuality.  What can I do to help myself and my marriage/relationship?

A-This is something that is so typical among adults today. Your generation was brought up in a world that didn’t talk about sex, and if it was discussed the message was almost always “no.” Silence and scare tactics will ultimately send messages that make sex seem “dirty” and “wrong,” in turn making people feel shameful, guilty and embarrassed about their body and about sexuality.

The fact that you recognize this as something that you want to change is the biggest step. Start by embracing the idea that sexuality is something that is a normal, natural and a beautifully integral part of who we are. It is something that is meant to be empowering and celebrated. Once people own their sexuality they begin to exhibit a whole new spirit and energy about themselves. This in turn affects every area of your life, your relationships, your success, your happiness and of course, your sex.

There are many things you can do develop a healthy viewpoint.
Begin by talking. Talk with your partner openly about how you feel about your body, sex, what you like, don’t like, as well as your desires. If you aren’t sure about those things yourself, I encourage you to do some self-exploration whether through journaling, meditating or even self-pleasure. Ultimately, openly communicating about these issues will start to break down barriers and begin to open the door to a more intimate, trusting relationship.

Talk with friends too. You’ll find that many people probably share your experience and how you feel. On the flip side, those who feel differently and have a positive viewpoint can serve as an inspiration and motivate you to creating a shift.  Beginning to have open dialogue about not only will make you and your friends realize that you’re not alone, but it will also start to make talking about sex more comfortable and natural.

If your mom is still around, talk with her. See what her values are around it, how she was raised, tell her how it affected you. If your mother is no longer with you, write her a letter with the same intention. You’d be surprised what kind of answers you may get. If you have other family, siblings of your mom’s or siblings of your own, talk with them about it as well.

Learn to live blissfully. Tantra is the art of living consciously on all levels, including sexually, and is derived from the ancient Sanskrit language meaning “expansion through awareness.”  The ancient practice of Tantra shows us how to open our hearts, our emotions and our sexuality.  Incorporating these practices of sacred sexuality, breathing, eye gazing, and moving energy empowers you to get the intimacy and sex life you crave. You can practice it on your own, or with your partner.

You can also go and speak with a sex coach or sex therapist with or without your partner. It is with the intention for them to serve as a guide for you and to help you work through the negativity and transition into a world of positive sexuality. Working with someone who is an expert in the field of sexuality can really help to create the shift you are looking for.

For more information on Heather and her organization, please visit www.secstalk.org

Jennifer
Wife to Paul, Mom to Juliana (7), Anthony and Louis (1) and Joseph (4 months)www.nevaland.com