Naptime Blog

My brother and I are four years apart.  I distinctly remember being jealous when he was born.  I was only four years old, but I remember feeling like this new baby was trying to take over.  Prior to his birth, I not only had my own bedroom, but a playroom (we lived in a three bedroom apartment) with a huge play kitchen set in it.  When he came around, I lost my playroom, and since we lived in an apartment with no other place to keep the huge kitchen set, I lost that, too.

Furthermore, my father’s little sister was only 17 when I was born, and she and I were very close.  As a matter of fact, I looked up to her like my ‘rock star’, and she adored me.  Aunt Roe was my little brother’s godmother, and she adored this little alien baby, too.  I remember feeling very upset every time she held him.  I was told that I even slapped my aunt once for holding him.  As adults, my brother and I are very close, and I cannot believe I ever held any bad feelings for him!  Then again, I was only four years old!

My sister was born five years later, when I was nine and a half.  I do not remember feeling any jealousy towards her when she was born, nor anytime after. 

When my oldest daughter was six and a half, I gave birth to twin boys.  Remembering what I felt when my little brother was born, I was worried that she would be jealous as well.  As a matter of fact, knowing that I was upset after the birth of one of my siblings and not upset after the birth of the second, I was not quite sure what to expect from my daughter.  Then, when the twins were only fourteen months old, I gave birth to baby number four.  I was unsure of how I would be able to manage to give each of them the attention they needed, and hoped that jealousy wouldn’t play a role in our family, but was not sure.  Each child is different, and I just hoped for the best.

My daughter is quite possibly the best big sister ever.  She has never said a bad thing about any of her little brothers, with the exception of getting scolded for pencil marks on the wall and replied “Maybe one of the boys did it!”  The boys were only six months old at the time.  She has never expressed any envious feelings nor said any resentful comments.  And my little sister (who was ironically 17 when MY daughter was born and is HER ‘rock star’) has luckily never been at the receiving end of any rage from her niece like I did.

As my three youngest are all boys, I believe my daughter feels confident that since she keeps her “princess” status, she will always have that special place in our family. 
I am not sure she would have taken another sibling joining the family as well if she had had a younger sister. 

Younger children tend to be more envious than older children, as older children often have friends, are in school, have activities outside the home, and therefore are less dependent on their parents and less likely to be envious of the younger sibling.  This is not to say that older children cannot be jealous, as an older child has spent his entire life in his parents’ spotlight and now has to learn how to share it. 

A parent may not be able to accurately predict which child might show envy, which child might welcome a new sibling with open arms, and which child might be unmoved by a new sibling.  My twins were only 14 months old when my fourth child was born.  I was certain that the older twin would have given me a hard time when the new baby was born, as he had acid reflux as a newborn, has had stomach issues regularly since he was born, and always seemed to be in my arms being rocked to sleep.  I was mistaken, as it was his twin who didn’t want to go anywhere near the new baby when he arrived, refused to kiss him, and would walk away any time I was holding the baby.  As time goes on, he seems to be getting better, but is still not as receptive to our newest addition to the family as the others are.

As you can see, there are various factors that might contribute to a child being jealous of his new sibling:  age, sex (and sex of the new baby), relationship with parents, birth order, the child’s coping mechanisms, his individual personality type and the way the parents handle the situation. 

Children, regardless of the situation, continually need to know that they are loved, that they are unique, that they can never and will never be replaced.  When at all possible, spending one-on-one time with the older child will help him to see that he can still spend time with Mommy or Daddy and is still important to them.  What may be obvious to you may not be to the child.  It always helps to remind him how special he is and that he has an individual and important role in the family that no one else can have but him.

Jennifer
Wife to Paul, Mom to Juliana (7), Anthony and Louis (1) and Joseph (Newborn)
www.nevaland.com

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 15th, 2009 at 6:41 am and is filed under Article, Jennifer. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.