Naptime Blog

My daughter Juliana begged for a baby brother or sister for years.  It began when she was only two, and I was separated from her father.  I was able to use the excuse “Mommy needs a husband” for a while, until I remarried when she was four years old.  My new husband and I experienced fertility issues, and a year into trying to conceive, we learned we were expecting twins!  Juliana was thrilled; especially after learning she was going to have two baby brothers.

Juliana and her brothers, Louis and Anthony, born 7/22/09

I have my Master of Science degree in Counseling, with an advanced certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy.  Prior to the birth of my twins, I was a social worker in a foster care agency in New York City.  I have given advice both online and in person on both personal and professional levels to parents all over the country and have been successful in what I do.  I am well respected in my field and consider myself exceptional as a therapist.  So why am I now having a hard time with my seven year old? 

I must say, Juliana is a wonderful big sister.  She is always talking to her brothers, playing with them, entertaining them.  I love watching her put on her Miley Cyrus or Jonas Brothers CD and dance around the living room while her brothers laugh in delight.  I have been able to cook many dinners and clean the floors quite a few times only by having the boys entertained by their big sister.  She is so proud, too!  Whenever we are out, people stop and ask questions about the twins (I am guessing it comes with the territory as people are amazed with multiples… either that or they are just being nosy!).  Almost inevitably they then look over at Juliana and ask if she is the big sister.  She grins ear to ear when they say “I bet you are a big helper” or “You are a great sister!”  And when she leaves for school in the morning she goes over to each baby, hugs and kisses them, saying “See you in six hours!”

Only twice have I heard any negativity relating to her being asked to do me a favor with regards to the babies, such as “Can you bring me a diaper?” I try to do this as infrequently as possible.  Once, as I was washing dishes and a baby was crying, I asked Juliana to see if he was okay. She replied “Mom, they are YOUR babies.  YOU had them.  YOU see if he’s okay!”  Another time, I asked if she could help hold the bottle on one baby while I burped the other, and she replied “Mom, if Jon and Kate can handle eight, you can SURELY handle two!”  I have never heard any other negative comments regarding the boys from my daughter.

Juliana is now answering back, throwing tantrums, disobeying, and being defiant.  She is only doing this at home, as she is doing beautifully at school on all levels.  I heard her tell my mother last week that I do not spend time with her anymore, and this was only a day after I took her to Chuck E Cheese for lunch and a play date.  I try to talk to her all the time about how she now has baby brothers and is big sister, and she consistently maintains that she loves her brothers and is thrilled to have them.  But these behaviors have only begun since I became pregnant with the boys, and it seems so logical that they are directly related to Juliana no longer being an only child.

So what do I do?  I try my hardest to maintain my cool and reprimand her positively, although this is sometimes very difficult to do when two babies are screaming and a seven year old refuses to take a bath.  I constantly tell her I love her, as does my husband, and continuously reinforce her tremendously important place in this family.  I am always telling her that she is still and always will be my baby, even if I have two other babies now (and a third on the way).  I emphasize that she is my only little girl, and always tell her how beautiful she is and how much she means to me.   I always try to give hugs and kisses.  I try my hardest, although sometimes difficult, to read every story she writes, look at every drawing she makes, and listen to every discussion she wants to have, regardless of how trivial it may seem to me at the moment. 

Do I always succeed in this?  Of course not.  Which is probably why I have not kicked the bad behaviors just yet.  But we’ll keep trying, and hopefully, my sweet little girl will be back soon!  It just goes to show that a therapist cannot treat her own children!

Jennifer
Mom to Juliana (7), Louis (11m) and Anthony (11m)
Expecting #4 in September!
www.nevaland.com